here i stand and there i lay

so i haven't had a journal/blog in a while, other than myspace, in which i use to bitch and moan about friends, family, life in general, etc. i suppose this one won't be any different. lol.

so right now i feel like i've dug myself into a hole somehow. a good friend of mine has informed me that she has feelings for me that go beyond just friendship. this isn't any surprise at all because i could easily tell that there was something there. it would seem as if the problem is simply i have a girlfriend when it all truthfullness, it's more than that. i do care about her a lot and want her to be happy but at the same time, i also feel like despite if we talk about the situation or not, it's still going to exist. now i'm fine with the situation existing because i've already discussed and made up in my mind what's going to happen and what isn't. i know we've grown closer and i admit that it is kind of nice but there has been moments when i realized that this closeness is more friendship than love. i've never been one to have a crush on someone too often, other than maybe in high school but even then, that wasn't anything based on feelings, it was more on the fact that i thought someone was attractive. anyway, my point is i can realize that i think someone is attractive and a fun person to be around and that doesn't mean i want anything more than friendship from them.

when my girl and i started really getting into each other, i was dating someone else for over a year and a half. my current girl now just liked me at first and i knew that and i was fine with that. then after a while, my current girl and i saw each other every day and did everything together because my girl at the time couldn't see me due to the fact that she wasn't allowed to by her parents. so long story short, my current girl and i pretty much had a relationship while i was in a relationship and it destroyed many things at that point. my girl at the time hated the fact that we were always together and i wouldn't do anything about it. truth is, i didn't do anything about it because i wanted to be with my current girl and i wanted the girl i was dating also. i knew i loved the girl i was dating but i knew my current girl was better for me. well, after about 6 months, maybe even more, the girl i was dating gave me a choice. she said, i could not see her for a while or its over. well, being me, i didn't listen and she dumped me and didn't even tell me. for the next year it seems, i was heartbroken. i couldn't understand why i would let myself lose control of a situation. now, at that time, after being dumped, i kept blaming it on my current girl. i also kept blaming myself for being stupid. it wasn't that i didn't like my current girl, it was just the fact that i had grown comfortable juggling the two, i suppose you could say, and once i realized it wasn't a game anymore, it became way too serious. in actuality, it was serious to beign with but i was too busy being selfish to understand. i had to get my heart broken not only by the girl i was dating but my current girl too. that's when i said to myself i would NEVER go through this again.

fortunately for me, it has worked out with my current girl and i figured it would because in all honestly, i knew she was the one i wanted to be with. she was the one that was there for me but i'd be lying if i said i didn't have some sort of resentment towards her for the first few months. as much as i was trying to put everything aside from the past, i still felt both her and i were the reason my other relationship failed and it was hard to be in a relationship with someone that caused that. now, all i care about is my current girl. now that all the bullshit has past and i can see clearer, i realized that this girl is the real deal. she isn't just a girl that liked me or a girl i messed around on my other girl with. she actually wanted to be apart of my world and i wanted to be in hers. i liked the fact that she had a heart and a realistic point of view that many people i've met don't have. i also love the fact that she isn't a stupid little girl, trying to play games. i mean, she used to be lol, but after the smoke cleared, we both realized that the past was just too much to repeat and we wanted to start fresh. from that point, things have been pretty damn good. i have been faithful, she has been faithful and we are planning our future together.

now, if you read that, then you now understand my point of view. my friend does mean a lot to me and i will consider her my bestie, next to my girl, of course but i am happy with my current relationship and honestly, i am happy with our friendship. i know she is blaming herself for being able to like someone she shouldn't but i don't want her too because she is a human being. sometimes you get caught off guard. to me, that's when you're the realist. trying to control everything makes you a robot. we've all had to deal with shit like this and i know damn well i have and it's never an easy situation, but i want to make it as easy as possible and let her know that regardless, i am a friend and i'm here and the only way you're gonna chase me off is if you have a bigger, blacker dick than me.

peace out boy scout